/dev/zero

Ok, I guess rejected isn’t quite the right mood, since it implies a bit more negativity than I’m actually feeling, but it was the closest one available.

emailed me last night and asked if I could drive her to a doctors appointment today, so she wouldn’t have to depend on the Metro system. Since she was going to see her doctor because her knee was hurting her again, I’m sure walking to / from bus stops would have been, pardon the pun, a pain as well.

I’ve been thinking about her a lot since I gave her a ride to a mutual friend’s party nearly a month ago. I guess she kinda pushed a lot of my buttons about what I find attractive in a woman. She and I have many similar interests (She’s a THEATER major, for crying out loud!) She has a really cool personality that I like. I even like her voice. The fact that she’s also beautiful doesn’t hurt either.
But last night while talking on the phone, she got a little nervous when I made a comment that now that I have a job I can actually afford to take someone out once in a while. She pointed out what she’s been saying in her LJ for a while, that she’s not in a mental space to get involved with anyone right now. I assured her that I was speaking in the general sense, though I did have her in mind.

When I dropped her off back at her dorm, I figured then was a good a time to talk. I turned to face her and told her that obviously, I’m attracted to her, (at which point she got the classic staring down in her lap, “Oh boy, it’s going to be THAT talk. How am I going to break it to him gently?” look on her face. She didn’t really need to say anything after that for me to know how she felt.) I told her I understand where she is right now, not wanting to get involved in a relationship with anyone. I told her that I still intend to ask her out on occasion, but that it’s with no expectations of romance, just two friends spending time together doing something fun. She responded that, per a recent thread on the Polyamory list, she had to tell me that she likes me as a friend, but she isn’t attracted to me.

So. There it was. I couldn’t say I was the least bit surprised. I mean, no matter how much I wished it were different, I knew that was going to be her response anyway. I’ve had times in the past where, knowing in my heart that the attraction wasn’t mutual, I still let my head pretend if I didn’t say anything, didn’t press the issue, didn’t make her come out and say it, I could pretend it was. But I know where that leads and it’s no fun.
I hadn’t actually initiated the conversation with the intention of getting her to tell me how she felt about me. I just wanted to reassure her that I know she doesn’t want to get involved. But she was honest with me and I certainly can’t fault her for that.