/dev/zero

AT&T was supposed to deliver my DSL modem yesterday morning, then call me in the evening to let me know the service was live. Neither happened. I called them today and found out UPS tried to deliver at around 1 in the afternoon but there was no one there to sign for it, so they will re-deliver. UPS doesn’t deliver on Saturdays, so it will be Monday before they try again. Meanwhile AT&T says the package didn’t require a signature so he should have just left it.

Not wanting to wait until Monday (too much into that instant gratification thing) I bought a “Self Install Kit” at Circuit City. Got home, hooked it up, saw all the right lights go green except Internet, logged into the modem’s IP address and saw that it was waiting for my PPPoE info as I expected. Problem: NO instructions on how to set this up or register my PPPoE account with this kit. Just a CDROM and
instructions to run the software on it (only for Windows and Mac, of course). This will, of course, install all kinds of crap software I don’t want like Yahoo! messenger, various Yahoo! toolbars for IE (which I don’t use) and re-brand IE with SBC/Yahoo!I finally gave up and ran the software anyway. The disc had a beautiful walk through that even a monkey could follow on how to hook up the line filter, the modem, etc. But when it came to setting up the account to log in… you gotta install their software first. And it refused to do that. OK, found the help number, called them, made the mistake of asking for exactly what I needed: my PPPoE login. The help droid had no clue what I was talking about. OK, I’ll let them walk me through their script. Unplug this, reset that, remove left side of brain, yada, yada… And still I can’t get to their registration web page. (I knew I wouldn’t be able to: no PPPoE, so no Internet access. Gotta have that before you can access their web page from the Internet.) At first he wants to tell me I have a firewall or virus scanner that is interfering. No, I don’t. The only firewall I’m running is the built in Windows XP firewall, which he even admits won’t cause a problem.

Finally it turns out the number I called (that was in the instruction booklet for this kit) connected me to a department that only knows how to use a completely different model of DSL modem. A whole DEPARTMENT for this, and it only knows ONE model? And it’s NOT the model they sell in the store???? So he transfers me to someone else, who, after figuring out what I need, transfers me to someone ELSE… By the name of “Shawn” with a suspiciously middle eastern accent.

This guy is a real winner. Not only do I have to remove the left side of my brain, I must now remove the right side as well and if I don’t answer every question with the exact syntax he expects, he will simply re-phrase the question. “Is the DSL light on?” “Yes, the power, Ethernet and DSL lights are all lit. The Internet light is off. The Activity light blinks every few seconds.”

“Sir, there is a green light labeled ‘DSL’. Is this light on?” “YES!” Finally I realize, hey, all this required was knowing the URL for the
registration page. Once I have that, I can self-register. I don’t need them to set up an account for me. While the droid goes through his script I quietly hop onto Amythest’s wireless and walk through the reg steps “Shawn” is giving me. He thinks he’s fixed the modem (which is working JUST FINE, BTW). I register myself, disable the wireless, re-enable the wired, enter my new account info in the modem and BOOM! I’m online… And “Shawn” just isn’t getting it when I try to tell him I got what I needed and thank you. HE’S not done with his script yet. OK, I’ll humor him, since I don’t want to just hang up on him. So he walks me through entering my account info into the modem, then INSISTS, that I have to tell the modem to Disconnect (shouldn’t the fact that it IS connected indicate the problem is
resolved? No, that’s not 5 steps further down the script.) OK, I disconnect, reconnect, then he has to walk me through checking I can
access the email I just set up (and will never use) and at least one other web page.Gah. Outsourced help desks. It was bad enough when Pac Bell Internet outsourced their after-hours support to Stream in Dallas. I mean, COME ON! You work for the worlds largest DSL provider in the support department, and you don’t know what “PPPoE” is or that if a customer says “All I need is my login info”, that maybe you can skip the “how to plug it in” steps?Of course, now I’ve set myself up for the joy that will be attempting to return either this modem or the one they will actually deliver on Monday. It will PROBABLY be the same exact modem, which will make it easier. Returning to a retail location will be much easier than trying to send back the one the phone company sent me, then convincing them not to bill me for it, but yes I still want the service. ON THE OTHER HAND, the one they are sending me is SUPPOSED to have wireless built in. If they got that part right (it is what I’m paying for), I’ll take this one back.Now the only problem left: I explicitly ordered the “Pro” package, with 1.5 - 6.0Mbps. The modem reports that it’s capped at 1.5 and all I’m getting on speed tests is 1238Kbps. For a 1.5 cap, an actual throughput of 1.2 isn’t bad. However, that’s not what I’m paying for. And THAT I can’t fix until normal business hours. Probably just the sales guy clicked the wrong package and they just need to “upgrade” it in the system to the right one. I can live with 1.5 for a day and a half.