/dev/zero

I’ve avoided mentioning it here in my LJ for various reasons, but I’m moving to Texas. This has been a stressfull week getting things done that needed to get done. Anyone who’s been reading my MT journal on my home page knows some of what’s been going on.

I’m not going to get into all the mundane things that make this week stressful. Anyone who’s moved to another state has probably been through much the same. However, today especially has been a very emotional one. You see, I finally got my stuff off to the shipping company and on it’s way to Dallas, my car is mostly packed and I’m leaving some time this morning.

I’ve lived all my life in California.

I was born in California. I’ve never lived anywhere else.

I have two quotes in my email sig files that have been running through my head all day today.
When bad stuff happens, you have to be prepared to abandon your luggage.

Caramia, Uflist.org

and

“You should do something every day which scares you.”

(apparently said by) Erica Jong

Substitute “terrify” for “scare”, and you have me today. It didn’t sink in until Andi, one of my housemates, asked “Are you going to miss California?”, just how terrified I was of this move. Not so much leaving California (that was just the trigger), but the actual trip. I don’t know WHY, but it scares the shit out of me. It’s not like it’s that far. 1,700 miles or so. People make that kind of trip all the time. My car is strong. But I have this dread that SOMETHING is going to go wrong, like a tire blow out (I don’t have a spare. I’m too poor.) I have a couple of cans of Fix-A-Flat if I get a puncture I’m fine, but if it blows out I’m screwed. Or a broken CV joint or control arm or something. And I’ll be passing through Death Valley, and the Mojave desert, Arizona, New Mexico (where they’re having wild fires.)

I realized quickly that it wasn’t really the trip (though I still have this dread about my car giving me trouble in the middle of no-where), but about the change in life circumstances after all. It hit me like a rock in the forehead that I’ve been avoiding so much in life, because I’m TERRIFIED of what could happen. I’ve never had a girlfriend. No particular reason, other than I’m too afraid to risk rejection. I have friends who have done so many interesting, fascinating things with their lives, and I’ve never even finished college. I don’t go out and take risks. I don’t do road trips, even though I LOVE to travel. I don’t talk to the pretty girl. I don’t assert myself. I’m too afraid to leave my comfort zone. It was like Mark Mcguire slamming me upside the head with a bat making this realization.

I sat there holding one of my cats and crying as I thought about how terrified I really was of this move. I almost called my friend Noel, the “Motivation Man”, to talk me through this. It’s exactly the kind of thing he talks about in his seminars.

After I got out of the shower this evening, I walked back to my room and found a letter from another house mate slid under my door, with a flower. It was a very touching letter. It was very difficult to read through the tears. Suffice it to say, when you feel as if you’ve had very little effect on anyone else’s life, that no one else will notice or care when you leave, it’s nice to be proven wrong.